I've been feeling a lot of negative emotions lately.
Ones that I'm not too proud of, but will readily admit to.
Feelings of isolation, jealousy and anger.
Let me try to explain.
The isolation I feel is pretty straightforward.
I live in a small town of 5200 people, about 2 hours from my nearest (and closest) friend. It's hard to be so far removed from everything. Its hard to sit here, in the middle of a town you detest, with what seems like nothing to keep you going.
Nothing but my parents, and the Internet to keep me company. My parents try their best, and I appreciate it more than they know.
I would love to be able to visit my friends, but I can't drive. I tried yesterday, and found it too difficult to keep my arm up. I still get tired really easily.
The Internet, while a blessing, is also a curse.
I get to see what is going on with all of my friends all over the world, whom I care for so deeply. I get to see the parties, the travel, the beauty. It's so wonderful.
I get to live vicariously through the pictures and stories for a little while.
This however, always leads me to re-examine exactly what I am doing, which seems to me like nothing.
I want to take distance classes while at home, so that I can apply to the school of social work at UVic, but I cant afford them just yet. I spent too much money while in Korea, on an abundance of medical expenses in the last year.
I want to be able to go out and have fun with my friends. I want to be able to go out for dinner. I want to be able to go away on weekend trips and laugh and meet new people. Please don't take this as me begrudging my friends happiness and freedom. I wouldn't dream of it. I'm not jealous of the fact that they can go out and do wonderful things. I'm jealous that I cannot. To me, those two things are completely different.
As for the anger, it's mostly at myself. I'm too impatient for my own good.
I know that the healing process takes time, but I hate waiting. I find it hard to fight the feeling that I should be healing faster than I am. That I should have already started my chemo. That I should be out working.
I'm not one to sit around without a job. I like to keep busy. I guess it's more a case of frustration than anger.
I know this will pass. I know the Christmas season will bring a host of visitors and trips. I know that eventually, I won't get tired and I will be able to move my arm normally again. I know that I will be able to get a job. I know that eventually I will go back to school. This brings some comfort. It's just hard to keep these things in mind some days.
It's been awhile since I last listened to Regina.
She speaks the truth though.
"Somedays aren't yours at all,
They come and go
As if they're someone else's days
They come and leave you behind someone else's face
And it's harsher than yours
And colder than yours
They come in all quiet
Sweep up and then they leave
And you don't hear a single floor board creak
They're so much stronger
Than the friends you try to keep
By your side"