Monday, May 31, 2010
I was really excited to get to New York. It felt entirely different than any of the last times I visited. It felt like the start of my journey, like the start of all of these important goals that I have to finish for Meghan. I didn't at all feel ready for any of it.
When I took my first opportunity to talk about Meghan, or what I am doing because of her, I got choked up and scared. I encountered a problem I was unprepared for. Being scared to talk about Meghan. It's scary admitting to people, yourself, and the world that your wife is gone.
I didn't want any of it to be real. I didn't want to be traveling because of Meghan, I didn't want to be trying to finish her goals, deciding how many countries to go to alone, which places to volunteer at, which places it was ok to have fun in. I didn't want to be doing anything without her.
I forced myself to talk to a stranger at the bar that night about the the trip and I remember seeing pity in his eyes. It was an awful feeling knowing he was looking at me like I was one of "those" people. I was forced into this club of people who have felt tragedy. I am now one of those people that is referred to as 'poor' before my name in conversation. I don't want that. I want no part of it. Partly because it means that Meghan isn't with me anymore and partly because I hate pity. Meghan disliked people apologizing for what she was going through.
It's ok to empathize with her. It's ok to feel bad for her and her family. But please don't let that horrible incident define us. It is absolutely not what defined Meghan. Her cancer was the least important part of her life. How she lived it is what's important. Meghan dying is not what defines me. It is our life together thats more important, it's who she made me and how I am living now because of her influence.
New York is where it was decided that I would narrow down the volunteer project to five countries. Five, because Meghan wanted to live in five different countries. Each segment will last roughly three months and in between volunteer destinations I'll be visiting the countries in between to get to the twenty-three countries Meghan had left to visit.
New York was an eye-opener. I had no idea what I was in for. Being alone is scary, talking about why you're alone is scary. Trying to convince people to not feel bad for you and believe in what you're doing is scary. This is a lot bigger of a deal than I thought and I continue to find strength knowing it is what Meghan would have wanted.
Posted by Mae at 12:14 AM