Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Not Deciding is Deciding


It's hard doing things that are fun without Meghan being a part of them.
For every pleasurable part of this weekend, I wished she was here. Progress
being made for the service project is satisfying but I still feel
guilty for enjoying myself. I know that there is no right or wrong way
to grieve nor no correct length of time one needs to be upset with the
loss. When is it ok to have fun? When is it ok to be active?

We always wanted to live in a big city and New York would've blown
Meghan's mind. She would have had an absolute blast exploring the city and
finding new restaurants. A group of our friends and myself spent the entire day yesterday walking around and I imagined how she would have reacted to the amazing houses, the street fairs, noises, the park and gardens, as well as her place in our
conversations. Which person would she have chosen to talk to? What would they have talked about?

It was really hard yesterday. It definitely feels great to get
away but I'm half afraid I'll abandon dealing with losing Meghan and
try to pretend that I'm not sad or deal with the fact that the best part of my life is now gone. Meghan always made me deal with things. She always forced me
to talk about difficult stuff and wouldn't let me off the hook until I
had resolved the issue verbally, mentally and/or physically.

I'm really glad that what I'm doing is about Meghan and that I'm forced
to talk about her and deal with her loss every time I explain to
someone new what my trip is about. In a way it's almost like Meghan is
again forcing me to deal with this. She won't let me bottle all of
this up and slink off into a hermit-like oblivion. She wants me to
make something of myself. She wants me to be social and enjoy new
things and to actually deal with losing her. I will never ever
understand how any of this was fair to her or how she was so positive
and comforting for others. I will never forget her, her spirit or her
fight. She wants me to move forward. She wants me to decide to do
meaningful things and then to follow through and finish them.



4 comments:

Nate said...

Adam,

Thanks for sharing your grieving process. You're an amazing guy, too.

LadyHayley said...

Thanks for writing Adam, it really helps :)

I can relate to many of the feelings you are having including the question of when is it OK to have happy moments, to worry about forgetting someone and wondering if you are completely dealing with it or not. I think Meghan would be so proud of how you are dealing with all of this and for your future plans :) Lots of love xxx

lucky said...

when my dad died a few years ago, i had all the same feelings. but i knew, and knew that my dad knew, that life is fleeting and good moments are, too... and he would want me to enjoy them. so many of the laughs that i have are private jokes with my dad that no one else needs to know about.

i'm sure that Meg feels it every time you smile.

Jadyn said...

Hi,
I got through this blog through the Brock University website. I just wanted to let you know I've been so inspired by you today and your dedication to doing things that honor Meghan. Thank you for reminding me today of what matters in life.
Best wishes for you journey.

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