Wednesday, January 12, 2011


It's for some reason enormously hard to write lately. I didn't until very recently feel like my life was in complete upheaval. Moving from couch to couch is fun only for so long. Sometimes you just need to retreat to a space that is entirely your own where you feel safe and contained and stable. That's something I haven't had for over six months. Thanksgiving was hard. Christmas was hard and new years was almost too much for me to handle. It took me by complete surprise. I really wasn't at all expecting to be affected by it, especially because it's never been a holiday that's held much weight with me. I've wanted it to be fun in the past but it never amounts to much. The ball drops, and then you go to bed (last year Meghan didn't even make it that far and wanted to go to bed at 9!)

So yeah, I was expecting the holidays I do really enjoy (especially thanksgiving) to be upsetting. But it wasn't. It didn't feel like anything. New years is a very clear and definite end to what you've been through in the past, measurable amount of time. And in this past year there's been almost to much to take measure of, it's too broad of a scope. My head felt like it was shutting down with all of that weight that night. I couldn't grasp it. I didn't want to. I didn't want it to be over. It felt like some massive ship still very visible slowly sailing out of port. There is absolutely nothing in my power to stop the inertia of something that massive or even to slow it down and it's the saddest thing to experience. I don't want it to move away from me or feel any more distant than it already does. I miss Meghan so much. I even miss her being sick. I miss anything of her that's remotely tangible and within reach. But I can't stop that lumbering beast of pain, memory, hope, love and life from leaving me. I don't know what to do.

I am able to find happiness in small doses and sometimes not feel guilty about it. I do have my own space. My retreat. I'm here and I'm doing it. I'm existing and continuing and growing in spite of the difficulties the world has decided to heap on my shoulders. Meghan wants that. She forces perseverance and strength on me. I ran the farthest I've ever run in my 29 years today and it didn't even come close to defeating me. I beat the hell out of that 10k. Meghan is unquestionably carrying me, allowing, enabling and inspiring every step because I know she would be at this level if not far beyond by now. I owe it to her to be healthy and happy and fighting my way through every single rough patch, whether it's running, unemployment, homelessness, isolation, desperation, panic, guilt or remorse. I owe it to her memory and her life to look take all of these in for what they are and continue on the course set before me never looking back. I am here, I am the maker of my own way and I am going to kick the shit out of simple existence.

this guy is really inspiring:

Feb 19th I'll be completing another of meghan's goals at this event. It'd be great to meet some of you there, please come out, I think its going to be a lot of fun.


Sarah said...

It is true...Ben is VERY inspiring, as are you and Meghan.
I've gained so much from reading both the 'Bee's Knees' and 'Ben Does Life'.
Thank you for sharing!!

iamthenarwhal said...

thankyou! thats such a huge compliment to be in the same sentence as his blog.

Sarah said...

You are very welcome!!
I am selfishly glad to see you back writing again, but can also appreciate that the writing comes when it is the right timing for you.

Allison said...

I keep deleting what I write in an attempt to try to say what I really am feeling, so I guess I will just say that remembering Meghan, thinking of her being with you every step of the way, and you explaining your experience so honestly - it all just makes me feel so many emotions.

Allison said...

Also, this is random, but Matt's Birthday was on Monday, and I ordered a drink called the Bee's Knee's, which reminded us of Meghan, so we made a special toast to her.

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